At school. In my neighborhood. In front of my friends. With my parents.
These are all places that I am fake. I've lied about many things, experiences I never had even if I say I have. All these lies and cover ups are something that I feel I will live to regret.
It takes a lot of courage for me to write something like this because me, being as stubborn as I am don't like to expose or admit to my faults. It all has become too much now though and I feel like this is something I really need to take action on because I'm losing myself.
I feel like I'm becoming a world-class bitch. I used to be that girl in class who tried to brighten people's day. I used to be that girl that people would nominate as "kindest", "most likely to put a smile on your face", "sweetest". Back then it wasn't fake.
I've always had a trust issue. Not one thing significant or recognizable event caused me to lose faith in people but overtime watching how mean people can be or how easily people can turn against you made me lose it. I'm the kind of person that lets what people say about me really personally. I can't change that. I think that people find me open but in reality that's my aim. I say a lot about myself that isn't deep and personal. Incase you guys are reading this, Hey. Thank You. I love you and thank you for not judging me. These are the initials of everyone that I have been completely honest to. VS, TV, ...that's it.
Two. Two freaking people that I have been basically completely honest to. I'm so ashamed to say that I have only been completely honest to two people in my life.
Here's what I want from myself.
I want to be purely kind.
I want to be the person that anyone can go to to talk without being afraid of being judged.
I want to stop gossiping.
I want people to look up to me.
I want to stop telling lies.
I want to succeed.
I want to be loved by someone (either as a best friend or a lover) for being me.
I want to stop taking things for granted.
I want to stop being greedy and asking for things that I don't need.
I want to make someone proud.
I want to be loved by my family.
I want to work hard for something.
This post was inspired by Gabriella Lindley's youtube video called
Honesty. I felt like I could relate. I Because of that I cried. Actually that's an under statement. I sobbed because it felt so real to me and it was clear that I needed to somehow start over and this is my first step.
XoXo,
lemanade<3